link 3/20 I wrote this in class

Why am I unhappy? Why do I feel weak?

I can sense it, but I don't want to act on it like I have in the past relationships. I don't want to sabatoge this as I have past ones. I see what I want to do and then I know not to do it, but it leaves me doing nothing because I don't know what to do. This is new to me! Why do I get so upset when we talk of her having sex with her past boyfriends? Maybe because I fear that I am fully not what she wants in a lover (she has said that she has had only 10 times that were good and last I check they ain't with me). But she has told me before that I am something she has never had before (and I feel the same about her) and I believe it. She had to choose (in her past) between a boyfriend and a lover...and now she has both --> In Me.

I should feel lucky (and I do). She doesn't do anything to make me nervous as far as guys go (she is real good about that and it means so much to me). Sometimes I do so illogically (get nervous). Illogic comes from fear, fear is a sign of hurt or weakness (just as anger is too). She is commited and I feel lucky but my past let downs from girls and from myself...(make me fear that all too familiar sting)

I guess this stems from letting myself down lately. Gaining weight, loss of self confidence, slacking off in school, eating too much, sweating, getting balder, sleep deprived and really...carrying it all over to/on Katura (for no reason, when I get down, all things get down). I should not let me hold myself down. I am quick to get down on myself because I see none of my accomplishments as worth anything. Why? (because I am always comparing what I have to others instead of comparing myself to me)

I thing one thing that fucks with my head knowing that Katura was mistreated in her past, it saddens me to think about it to the point where don't see how she enjoyed being with those guys. But I am thinking and feeling what is hers and I don't understand why. Empathy? *shrugs* I just hope beyond all hopes that she is right about me being everything she wants...

Logic states that she has had her deals and relationships but she is with me now. What she has told me reinforces that logic. Fear is a substrate of the illogic. Let her know that you appreciate her. Our past is just that: The Past. See it for what it is and appreciate the ones we have now (for they are much better...so much better). Move on --> Happy

"I don't hold me down" -|Gravity| Gorillaz

I used to assertain an outlook and perspective when I got high, hopeful...some times false hope but most of it inspired me. Made me think (seriously) and made me happy...it cleared my mind. I didn't have to do it often (once or twice a month), but when I did, it helped me see things for what they are because sometimes...I loose sight of everything (important) in my hectic life. I need this state of calmness.

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Am I a menace to society from getting high? I've got two degrees going on three...I pay my taxes, I'm level headed (not some stoner personality), I can think extemporanously, I love to think, I love to learn, other than speeding and the obvious...I brake no laws, I would serve my country with pride, I am political, I am a thinker...and I find no harm in enjoying life exponentially when it harms no one nor myself. But as it sits it would hurt the person I love the most and some people who care about me. I can't betray Katura, for this is how she would feel if I did get high. What do I do?

Seriously, when was th last time you've heard of someone O.D.ing on Cannibus? When was the last time anyone has heard of an instance of someone getting stoned and "Loosing it" or hurting someone by sitting at home and just chillin?


I am not trying to make a case for me to start back getting high. The time has come for me to "Keep my nose clean" so to speak. But I am just curiuos as what I am to do to gain all that which I benifited from getting high. My favorite thing to do when high was to run. I still love to run and I do it as often as feasably possible. But anyways...*cough* *cough* I feel cancer coming on! LoL, jk. Time to turn a page in my life on that subject...and move on.

Have you ever been in a situation where someone was explaining their beliefs to you but all it did was make you uncomfortable and think that the person was crazy? yeah...sometimes I fear doing that to people

Hekkenschütze sei mir gegrüßt! Du gehörst ebenfalls zur Herrenrasse

Wir kämpfen bis zur letzten Granate!

Ehre und Pflicht, bis Nadel und Faden bricht!­

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I get so caught up in what I must do right now that I forget what I have and how much it means to me.

-Confidence
-Will
-Agility
-Attitude